When People Suck - Anger and Action

When looking around on the web for what to do with anger, I found many glib articles that suggest cleaning your house or directing that energy to social change.  While this may be a useful way to discharge the feelings, distracting yourself does not actually address the how the feelings came to be or what to do when you're in a situation wherein you are constantly angered by your peers or boss.  Let me also say that distraction is a healthy and psychologically supported way to minimize the feelings.  My house looks immaculate when I'm angry because cleaning is a way I expel pent up anger.

So how do we react to people who constantly put us in positions that inspire anger?  For me, I was clear with my boundaries of time and workload.  My peers and boss culturally did not adhere to these boundaries and mayhem followed.  No discussions with human resources or with the peers/boss did anything to rectify this situation.  Fundamentally we have different beliefs on how to operate in the world.  What I had to piece apart was the fact that the culture I was in went against what I feel to be true regarding elements of self-care, safety, and ethical practices.  So you know I'm not grandstanding, the field I am speaking of has been identified as rife with abuse, trauma, and cult of personality: show business.  What's profound to me is that it took my education through my Ph.D. in clinical psychology to be able to identify and reject the norms of this field.  My colleagues were not so inclined.

I learned that no amount of house cleaning or time at the gym was going to help me manage this situation.  I had to quit or remove myself from the environment to move to another situation.  This choice is not foreign to many.  After discussions with bosses, peers, human resources, and other ethical offices at the toxic position, I knew that fighting this culture was beyond me and not worth my time and energy.  If you have not yet exhausted your resources at this position to ideally inspire change that works for you, hope exists that this job could work for you.  Before I threw in the towel to move on, I turned to research on stress and how that impacts people, ethical practices in our profession and the lack thereof, and other friends who held similar positions throughout the U.S. to compare notes.  This was not my first rodeo, it was my first thoroughly unpleasant and angering experience.  My relationships from all sectors in and outside of that job taught me that all places and jobs are not for all people.

When you can't change people's minds, walk away.  You don't belong there.  Find the people who celebrate you and admire or appreciate your contributions to the team.  I now work with people throughout the world who are excited about my work as a researcher and as a person who facilitates change.  Know your skill set and find your career home.  It's possible and so worth the effort!

Dr. Heather Corwin, Copyright 2019

Unplugging Increases Happiness

I'm so tired of witnessing the pointless arguing on Facebook about why someone's ideas or morals are better than another's.  Or conspiracy theories about why the world is the way it is.  To the best of my ability of late, I've stayed away from posting political posts.  I've also stayed away from much of Facebook because engaging that way with people doesn't make me happy.  There are many studies out at present that support the idea that if you stay off social media, you may not be as up on current events, but you will be happier.  I vote for a happier existence.

What can you do?  On your phone, remove social media platforms and messaging.  Try it for a week and note how you feel in doing so.  You might have a little anxiety about not being in as good of touch with people, but you might also feel relief at not having your core beliefs questioned- or reading statements from people you love who disappoint you in their point of views and unflinching judgements.  In truth, you might be complicit in judging as well (as I know I have been).  Why spend the brain power on interactions you can't change?  Research has demonstrated that changing someone's mind via social media is as likely as a comet hitting you on your commute to work this morning.

If you're feeling anxious and possible dread the state of the world, I encourage you to examine how you're receiving information.  Find ways to engage in the world that support your wellness.  Try unplugging.  See what that experiment does for your well-being.  Let us know what you think!!

Copyright 2019 Dr. Heather L. Corwin

A New Layer Revealed, Personal Integrity Journey 2019

New Year’s always brings out the philosophers and the ideas for what life has been, and what life can be.  I’ve always found resolutions to be interesting.  Finding ways and times to assess life is important.  Discovering what’s working in life and what’s not is the best way to make choices of how to move forward. 

How do we stick to the effort to follow through on a resolution?  When I decide to make a change, I call upon my past experiences and all the times I put forth that effort and it paid off tenfold.  You see, by linking past experiences to present and future, you may be more able to stick to your evolutionairy plan.  The other tactic I use to raise my courage is to take a moment to listen to my bodies’ reaction to my idea.  If I feel a sensation of stirring in my gut or a tickle to the back of my neck along with a little anticipation, I know the effort is worth my time.  The result is likely to be more happiness because this outcome has been true in the past.  Not everyone is this clear or fortunate enough to have a string of positive experiences.  To me, finding your first clear successful resolution may be the reason to try.  If the alternative is unhappiness or suffering, making a different choice seems to be worth the risk. 

I recently left a career defining job because the fit was not for me, and I’m so grateful that I removed myself from that situation.  The knowing began in my body as tension, which I tried to ignore.  By the end of my time in this job, I had physical symptoms of stress like eczema (newly acquired), brain fog, and inflammation.  My body was my clear teacher in what choices, wrong choices, could do to me.  However, quitting was not as simple as I wanted it to be, which is an example of having responsibilities. Life got in the way. I am fortunate that I have many skills that can earn me a living, and the change in my career has been wonderful!  On the home front, my wellness and personal integrity journey includes making my own meals because my prescribed diet is limited.  What a triumph to become a wizard in the kitchen!  My body and mind are recovering and healing through my newfound wizardry and attention.  

This New Years, I encourage you to try this experiment.  First, find a quite place where you can be alone for a couple of minutes.  Then, close your eyes and think of your life as it is.  Place your hand on your stomach or forehead or both.  Breathe.  Ask yourself if this is the best version of your life you can imagine.   Breathe.  What elements do you love about your life?  Breathe.  What elements do you wish were in your life?  See what comes to you. Try not to force any ideas, let the ideas float into you.  Discover if your body might have some ideas to offer that your mind may not have been fully aware of… until now.

May you have a wonderful, courageous, and an evolutionairy New Year!

Copyright 2018 Heather L. Corwin, Ph.D.

Simplify

You've heard of a gratitude journal, now I introduce you to the idea of a simplify journal.  At different times in our lives, we need things.  At others, we don't.  So, ridding our spaces of things we don't need anymore is a useful annual project.  Many people choose the holidays to do this because others are more acutely aware of needs during this time.  So what do you do?

1. Write your own personal mission statement that reflects how you want to live your life, what you want to do in it (including career and leisure), and the type of people with whom you want to surround yourself.  Try to be as concise as possible (3 sentence or less).  
2. Using your personal mission statement, now look around in your space and your closet and see what does and doesn't fit into your life with this as your lens. This doesn't mean you have to end friendships, thought it might.   This does mean you can begin to work with your support systems in ways that actively engage with your life mission. 
3. De-clutter.  Get rid of anything in your closet that you haven't worn for a year.  Anything.  If you haven't worn it, you won't next year.  If you've changed sizes, you might box a few things up, but know that by the time you get back to that size (if you do), you may not want to wear that again anyway.  That ugly nick-nack that's taking up space has got to go.  Make space for expansion.
4. For the next week, record how you spend your time and your actions.  This will help you understand if your every day life aligns with your mission.  Creating awareness around your way of being will help you make thoughtful choices for your life.

Let me know what you figure out!  Life is too short to not make it your best life.

Change Inspires Growth

As the holidays approach and a snow day extended our Thanksgiving break a day for our family, I'm reminded that every choice we make has many impacts.  What is often overlooked is the fact that change doesn't always come in the form of choice.  However, what you do with  or how your react to those things that happen help define your happiness.  Specifically, I'm referring to your life satisfaction.

I'll use the snow day as an example.  Now, our family had been together all day since Wednesday.  We didn't have much drama at home, we had play dates and hosted Thanksgiving.  When the snow came, we all were thankful for one more day together to play games (charades, Scrabble, Life, Duel, Lords of Waterdeep, etc.).  We could have been sick of each other and the change could have been frustrating, I'm sure it was for some families who were looking forward to getting back on routine.  We rolled with the change.  This doesn't always happen.

As some challenges in the form of change occur in your life, I encourage you to take the time to breathe, find a useful lesson that helps you see the change as one that helps you become a better person, and move forward.  When we dwell on things over which we have no control, we give away energy that could be used to make us happy.  I'm not saying this process is easy or even welcome at times.  I am suggesting that every time I have adjusted my perspective on events, I have found greater meaning and satisfaction in my life.  Let me know if this works for you too.

Happy Holidays!

Copyright 2018 Dr. Heather Corwin

Forgive Yourself

I've had a rough run lately where I felt like the world was against me.  That might sound rather dramatic, but accurate in many ways.  How I got here was through a rough run where I engaged with people at my job who were demanding, underhanded, and dishonest.  This was intermittent, but persistent.  Their behavior did not bring out my best behavior.  Most of the time, I found myself wanting to completely disengage and remove myself from them to avoid the uncomfortable situations.  It's easy to blame other people, but I was most angry at myself for putting myself in that situation, even though there's no possible way I could have known how the experience would be for me.

So I did what most people do and languished in a job I did not feel supported in, found as much solace in the people who were terrific around me, and looked for opportunities that made me happy.  Parts of the job were delightful, but those too became less so.  As the opportunities and joys shrunk, I became more angry at myself thinking that I'm a bright person, I should be able to fix this. 

Should.

That word has illuminated almost every time in my life when I have been mean to myself.  Magical thinking is what they call it in psychology - believing that one event happens caused by another event without a causal link.  I'm smart so I can fix this.  Nope. So how do I end the languishing?  I quit.  I remove myself from the situation that's causing me distress.  Then I move toward events, people, and things that make me happy. 

First, I have to forgive myself for making choices that I thought were the best for me and my family that turned out to be ugly and painful.  I don't need forgiveness from those who hurt me, I need to forgive myself.  This is the beginning of my healing.  Yes, I still have anger, but I don't have to wallow in it and make the ugly a badge of honor.  I'm thankful to hand the ugly to the wind and move into the parts of me that I enjoy to heal this wound.  Forgiving myself is actually harder than I thought, but doing so is necessary.  I feel lighter than I have in a long while.

Copyright 2018 Dr. Heather Corwin

Articulate Your Experience

Often overlooked and undervalued is the process of articulating what is happening and what happened to you through your experience.  By naming the elements of what you're experiencing to yourself and others, you're better able to make choices about what directions you want to move toward.  Plus, there's great value in sharing what your experience is versus what other people might be experiencing.  Because we all have different focuses in our lives, the things you observe may not be perceived by others.  This alone can deepen experiences for others.

Sometimes, life can give you experiences that challenge you.  When that happens, finding the words to explain to yourself and others what's happening can help you understand what's important to you.  Whether or not people agree with you is not the important part of this process.  What's important is that you know what's true for you. 

Copyright 2018 Dr. Heather L. Corwin