Aching Want

I've been reflecting on why I have not been writing as much this year in my blog.  It comes down to this: I have aching wants.  Sharing about how much I want something makes me feel vulnerable.  Then I thought, "well, doesn't everyone have aching wants?"

Yes.

The past few years have been a series of challenges including becoming a mother, finishing Ph.D. coursework and beginning my dissertation, and looking for a university that I want to work with and hang my hat as my educational home.

The last is the most cutting aching want for me because the place I have hoped to work has an opening this year for which I've applied.  My colleagues there are kind (I already know them), smart, and have a deep commitment to God.  I find that kind of shared faith inspiring and welcoming rather than stifling and limiting - a rare gem in a faith based school.

As the year ends, it is usually a time for refection on what we have and future goals.  Sometimes knowing the goals does not soothe, but at least you know if you're going in the right direction.  This year, I'm going to know what I want AND be willing to give some of the not knowing anxiety to God (or Godess, or whatever you name the universal force).  I've been working hard and I need to relent a bit.  How about you?

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin

Ask for Help

There are days that I magically believe that I can do it all.  Now, some days, I actually do get done everything on my long "to do" list, but not always.  Juggling a wellness studio, a full-time teaching load (at 2 colleges), an almost 2 year-old, authoring/creating my dissertation to complete my Ph.D., and my loving relationship with my husband can be more than tricky, it can be impossible.

This week I learned a valuable lesson...again.  I need to ask for help.  When my second draft of a chapter of my dissertation was returned to me with the encouragement to build a stronger structure, I almost fell over.  See, this paper is HUGE.  At present, it's 40 pages with 15 pages of citations.  I know this will change and grow (or shrink), but going back to the basics and creating a reverse outline just about ended me and my sunny disposition.

Until I reached out to friends for ideas.  Of course, I have smart and helpful friends.  One such friend suggested a dissertation writing support resource.  (Enter choirs of angels singing here!)  I contacted them and am on my way to getting the help I need to make this dissertation a better version of my thoughts.

Asking for help can be hard.  Sometimes I feel like I SHOULD be good at something.  I am good at many things.  And sometimes I need help.  Thank God for friends and limitations.  Both help me grow in ways I never expected!