Thought for the Day

Take a moment to stop and observe your surroundings.  Notice how you breathe when you're taking in your world.  Notice what your eyes focus on.  Notice what your mind thinks.  Without judgement, see if you can discover one element in your surroundings for which you are grateful.  Lastly, see if you can make your heart smile.

Your life is an accumulation of hard work, successes, learning moments, and love.  I'm glad you're alive and in my world!

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin

Gifts From The Heart

You know, I used to wear black every Valentine's day because I had so many awful disappointments on this supposed day of love that I not only gave up on this celebration, I boycotted it.  Thankfully, I now have some great memories associated with February 14, so I don't wear black anymore.

One great learning for me for this day of love is to share with the loves of my life the memories of love they have gifted me through the year.  I have some photo collages that I frame of my little girl to commemorate her growth (and cuteness).  Plus, my husband and I still have many images up from our wedding - what a day full of love and laughter that was!!!

If you're dreading the hooplah that's pushed a little too hard by our culture tomorrow, remember this day might be best enjoyed focusing on what YOU want to when it comes to love and who means the most to you!

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin

To Speak or Shut Up

In this information age and the validation of experiences through writing and sharing through online forums such as Yelp, Facebook, or Blogger, are there times when it's better to just shut up and not share your thoughts?

Well, I think I may have found an instance to shut up.  Recently I went to a few yoga classes where a friend/colleague of mine works.  The classes were not as I would wish; I'm very clear on the elements I enjoy when being in a class.  So I thought I would exercise my online voice and let my experience be known.  Well, I had already shared my experience with my friend earlier in the week, so I knew my sharing would not be a surprise.  In cases like this, which is a mediocre review, I don't like to surprise anyone.

My dislikes that earned an average review were:

• climate control (68-70 degrees) - someone might LOVE this
• class led by instructor and no adjustments given (not my preference) - again, someone might LOVE this
• too many people in the classroom (not my preference)

My friend emailed me incensed by my lack of support and wanted to know why I would do such a thing.  I think his beef was do such a thing "publicly."  I'm torn.  I value my friendship more than the review, so I've offered to remove the review to save the friendship - though I do wonder if the damage is already and cannot be undone.

What I weighed in this contemplation was the value of the relationship with my colleague versus my want to share my experience.  My real life relationships are more important than expressing myself to an anonymous audience.  What would you do?

Copywright 2012 Heather Corwin

Anxiety Dreams

Want to know when I know I'm doing too much?  I start to problem solve in my dreams OR I have anxiety dreams.  My favorite one lately had to do with my child's daycare provider.  I dreamed they called me to ask if I wanted my child to continue in the program.  The tell-tale sign that the communication was not real was the fact that they told me if I didn't let someone know by next week that my child would simply not be allowed to attend anymore.  They just don't operate like that.

But today, just in case, I asked if someone had called me to ask about my daughter's enrollment.  Knowing I was probably imagining things did not stop me from making sure my daughter was going to stay at this great daycare.  My feeling was right, it was a dream.

So I started to think about what might cause a dream like this...  The answer rolled around in me: Anxiety born from the idea that I'm not enough. Now it's not often I grapple with this personal theme in this way.  What struck me about this dream is that this theme seems to be trickling onto what I perceive as a great opportunity for my daughter.  Even if my personal theme is NOT trickling on to my daughter, I want to make sure it doesn't.

So what am I going to do about it?  Go back to my amazing therapist and work on myself.  When I'm a healthier person, all who come into contact with me can enjoy me more.  Conversely, I can enjoy them more too!  I know I'm at the end of a long road with my Ph.D. coursework ( it's almost complete!); the road has taken a toll on me.  I'm tired, you see, from doing too much.  When I'm tired, I look to the resources around me for support.  Therapy, here I come!!!

Days My Heart Hurts

Today I woke up knowing I was going to be able to have a little time to myself to read and watch THE HELP.  I'm a SAG member and I was delighted to receive a screener for it.  Watching THE HELP, I started to think about my life and the mean people who have tried to scar me in my life.  People who have bullied me or tried to take advantage of me.  Somehow in defining moments, I had the courage and strength to stand up for myself.

One such occasion was in 8th grade.  A girl named Jinx in one of my classes who had been held back, had a reputation for fighting and winning, and who was reputed to have a criminal record took to calling me "Duchess." She called me Duchess because I wore a pair of my mother's heeled clogs to school.  I LOVED those clogs.  They were my favorite shoes to try on when my feet were at least 4 sizes too small to fit the shoes.  When I wore those shoes, I knew I had become a woman.  And this bully was making fun of me for wearing them.

Red-faced, ashamed, and scared to death that she even noticed me, I let her call me Duchess that day and I didn't say anything, hoping her name-calling would blow over and go away.  That was not to be.  The next week, she thought it would be funny to start in on me again.    With every ounce of courage I owned, I asked her to please not call me that.  The girl stood up, all 200 or so mean pounds of her, looked me up and down, and said... "okay."  Blotchy-faced and sweating, I said "thank you."  She laughed at me and sat down.  She never bothered me again.

When I think of all the people who don't have the courage to stand up for themselves or who can't, it makes my heart hurt.  If it's the last thing I do, I want my daughter to know she deserves to be treated well and should not tolerate anyone to treat her otherwise.

I am scared to the core of my soul.  For the first time in my life, I understand what might compel me to become violent toward another human being...if someone hurt my little girl maliciously and knowingly.  I pray that day never comes.  If it does, I hope to God I can have compassion and give my little girl all the love I have in my heart.  Thank God I have a loving husband who stands with me in this world to raise our little love. You see, I prefer my heart to sing, not to hurt.

Intimacy...is great!

There are times when the world is too much and I need a little rejuvenation before tackling the hassles that challenge me.  The simplest and quickest way for me to feel solid again is some affection from my husband.  I'm not talking about sexual touch, I'm talking about sensual touch.

When I wasn't married, I knew sensual touch - which is touch directly to my skin with a loving kindness intention - was something I craved.  I lived in the middle of Ohio, had no boyfriend, and very few people touched me (literally) when I lived there.  To remedy that problem, and it was a problem for me, I sought out regular massage therapy.  That choice was a successful do-fer (as in "it will do fer now").

Everyone has their own resources that help salve the wounds of the world and we all are wired to crave touch.  Touch releases hormones in our bodies that keeps us happy.  In the awful event that touch has been used as weapon against us, healing can begin with professionals in a safe setting who support our need for touch.  Plus, touch is non-verbal and can help get underneath all the brain chatter to help soothe our souls.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who I can go to anytime I want for an embrace to soothe my soul.  I have the added joy of having a massage therapist and Rolfer who both work with me to keep my body rejuvenated as I bombard it with the stressors of my life.   If you crave touch, you might consider the loving and trained hands of a massage therapist or Rolfer.  I know I'm gratful every time I visit!

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin

When Friendships Fade

I have a friendship that I really enjoyed with a woman who I met in one of my many education endeavors.  I had just moved to a new state, just graduated from my MFA in actor training, and was looking for some great friendships.  Enter my friend, we'll call her "Jane".

Jane and I had many similar interests.  She is a few years younger than me, which seemed to encourage our relationship as a little bit of a mentor relationship.  Perhaps that was just my point of view.  Maybe that was why the relationship faded sadly into nothing.  Jane and I both lost a parent and that bonded us.  Well, that may have been another reason our relationship faded, for her the reminder of loosing her parent may have been too much.

Friendships come and go.  Some friendships last and some fade.  When you are not the person who ends the friendship, it can really hurt.  Well, even when you do end the friendship it can hurt.  What I'm trying to say is that letting this friendship go was hard on my heart.  Jane never said she didn't want to talk to me or end our friendship, she just stopped talking to me.  It's been almost 3 years since last we spoke.

Actions speak louder than words.  Since Jane has made it clear she doesn't want a friendship, I have to honor that in my own way.  I don't have to like it, and I don't.  If Jane every comes around to wanting to be my friend again, the road will be an interesting one to negotiate because trust has been broken.  The trust I refer to is the knowing that the person who calls herself my friend will be there for me when I need her; Jane abandoned me without warning or reason.  I don't hold a grudge, I'm sad about the way in which our friendship died.  So today I let it go fully and wish her a great life.  If she won't give me closure, I'll take it.

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin