Behavior Defines You

I grew up with "actions speak louder than words."  That phrase is something I cling to when I'm unsure of how to proceed in a variety of relationships.  Sometimes, a person will try to confuse me with saying very kind things to me when he is behaving insincere.  Do you know that feeling?

Now, as I get older, I'm really savvy about this sort of thing - almost to the point of splitting hairs.  When I was younger, I would take someone at his word whereas now I lead with behavior.  Behavior never lies.  I sometimes mistakenly put how I would behave onto another; everyone operates differently.  You may have already experienced a sweet talking jerk.  A friend who embodies vastly different priorities then mine confuses me.

For example, I was thrilled when a new L.A. friend invited me to join her book club.  I wanted to be both in a book club and develop more friends; an exciting avenue to build community!  We had gone to one book club meeting together and I had promised to ride with her to the next - when I became engaged to be married to my wonderful man.  My new mother-in-law decided to make the 5 hour drive to see us the same weekend the book club was meeting.  Consequently, I canceled on my friend and the book club (about four days out).  My friend surprised me by being very upset that I was canceling plans when I had promised to go -- regardless of the reason.  I was shocked she did not share my sensibility regarding priorities and we had a falling out.

She could have written me off and/or I could have written her off, but we both chose not to do so.  Instead, I learned her very clear boundary of NEVER committing to something fully with her; I now give her a very probable maybe when agreeing to attend something.   It works for both of us.  She also is very aware of my stance that family comes first.  We're much better friends for it, and no other conflict has arisen in our few years of friendship.  Bottom line?  Every relationship has hiccups.  You determine if the areas you don't agree on are a deal breaker.  I was surprised to find a great learning about myself and my friend in the conflict.  Today she's a person I count on without hesitation.

Copyright 2010 Heather Corwin