Little Demons Coming Out to Play

As I was sitting in my supervisor's office for my Ph.D. teaching practicum, I was face to face with my demon: thinking about something so much I've sucked the joy right out of it -- in spite of teaching being my most favorite thing to do in the world.

He noticed I had no joy in talking about the plans I have for the teaching intensive I will be teaching at the end of this month... I noticed he was right.  I was mucked up in the work I thought I should be doing for the teaching, like reading tons of books, planning every second of my lesson plans, and having every exercise ironed out to the last iota.  Puh-lease!  Did I mention I've been a teacher for years?  Yeah.  Don't get me wrong, plans are great to have, but more often than not they get tossed because the needs in the room are different that what I, the teacher, expect.  I do not have all the answers.  If I did, I would not be a good teacher because the answers live in the lives of my students.

And YET I have a niggling little demon inside me that pushes me to do more, be more, think more - as if what I am is not enough.  Where did this "pusher" come from?  My supervisor helped me name it as a classical trait of the masochist  (check it out in Eastern Body Western Mind by Anodea Judith).  Up until now in my life, this trait has helped me succeed in a variety of fronts.  Now she can rest.  He suggested I give her something else to do - like help make sure I eat healthy.

We all have little demons.  They have helped us get to where we are in life, and sometimes it's time for them to retire.  To bed!  To bed sweet demon!  It's lights out for you.  When you wake, you'll help me eat right.

Copyright 2010 Heather Corwin