Forgive Yourself

I've had a rough run lately where I felt like the world was against me.  That might sound rather dramatic, but accurate in many ways.  How I got here was through a rough run where I engaged with people at my job who were demanding, underhanded, and dishonest.  This was intermittent, but persistent.  Their behavior did not bring out my best behavior.  Most of the time, I found myself wanting to completely disengage and remove myself from them to avoid the uncomfortable situations.  It's easy to blame other people, but I was most angry at myself for putting myself in that situation, even though there's no possible way I could have known how the experience would be for me.

So I did what most people do and languished in a job I did not feel supported in, found as much solace in the people who were terrific around me, and looked for opportunities that made me happy.  Parts of the job were delightful, but those too became less so.  As the opportunities and joys shrunk, I became more angry at myself thinking that I'm a bright person, I should be able to fix this. 

Should.

That word has illuminated almost every time in my life when I have been mean to myself.  Magical thinking is what they call it in psychology - believing that one event happens caused by another event without a causal link.  I'm smart so I can fix this.  Nope. So how do I end the languishing?  I quit.  I remove myself from the situation that's causing me distress.  Then I move toward events, people, and things that make me happy. 

First, I have to forgive myself for making choices that I thought were the best for me and my family that turned out to be ugly and painful.  I don't need forgiveness from those who hurt me, I need to forgive myself.  This is the beginning of my healing.  Yes, I still have anger, but I don't have to wallow in it and make the ugly a badge of honor.  I'm thankful to hand the ugly to the wind and move into the parts of me that I enjoy to heal this wound.  Forgiving myself is actually harder than I thought, but doing so is necessary.  I feel lighter than I have in a long while.

Copyright 2018 Dr. Heather Corwin

Articulate Your Experience

Often overlooked and undervalued is the process of articulating what is happening and what happened to you through your experience.  By naming the elements of what you're experiencing to yourself and others, you're better able to make choices about what directions you want to move toward.  Plus, there's great value in sharing what your experience is versus what other people might be experiencing.  Because we all have different focuses in our lives, the things you observe may not be perceived by others.  This alone can deepen experiences for others.

Sometimes, life can give you experiences that challenge you.  When that happens, finding the words to explain to yourself and others what's happening can help you understand what's important to you.  Whether or not people agree with you is not the important part of this process.  What's important is that you know what's true for you. 

Copyright 2018 Dr. Heather L. Corwin