Relationships are Compromise

Since we were born, our existence depended on the ability of our parents to help us eat when we were hungry, change us when we were wet, and nurture us when we needed love.  Well, all those demands were on our little infant schedule and may not have always been convenient for the parents.  Enter compromise.

It's not just the familial relationships that will test your adaptation and negotiation skills, though they are the core of your ability to do so.  Every single relationship, if it is going to have any chance of success, will require you to compromise.  Ideally, the sacrifices you make will make the relationship more satisfying and enjoyable.  Sometimes that's just not how it works.

For example, my husband did not enjoy taking care of our little girl as an infant.  She had many needs and babies don't compromise.   She didn't have words.  She cried often.  She liked motion and singing so whoever was caring for her often needed to pace the house (sitting/rocking wasn't enough) and sing, which she loved.  That's work, my friends.  Now, at the demanding age of 2, our little girl is learning to compromise.  I think this is the foundation of the terrible twos: no one WANTS to compromise. 

For the first time since my daughter was born, my husband and little girl are gone for the weekend and I am alone in my quiet house left to my own devices.  I marvel at the vast amount of time I have to fix little things around the house (clean the air filters including the fan in the bathroom, fix the leaky hoses outside, etc.).  I've also had time to watch some much loved television, a decadent delight!  AND go to stores to price out some items we're hoping to replace in the upcoming months.  I feel I've lived a month in two days.  Seriously.

Which brings me to my point.  Before I was married and a mom, I had copious amounts of time to do whatever I wanted.  Some of that time was spent fantasizing about the love I would enjoy in my own marriage/family.  Now that I am enjoying a loving husband and spunky child, there are times that I just want to be alone to revel in my introverted and singular ways.  Now that I've found this gem of time, there's no going back.  Our familial solution is to have each adult take one weekend off a quarter to travel and rest elsewhere.  We're working on a semi-annual get-a-way for the married couple to have at least ONE night together alone on an overnight  hotel stay.  We already practice a weekly date night, which I highly recommend.

At the core of why we choose to be in relationships is the fact that we genuinely LIKE the people we spend time with.  My husband makes me laugh, and I want to remember that joy the next time I have to compromise.

Aching Want

I've been reflecting on why I have not been writing as much this year in my blog.  It comes down to this: I have aching wants.  Sharing about how much I want something makes me feel vulnerable.  Then I thought, "well, doesn't everyone have aching wants?"

Yes.

The past few years have been a series of challenges including becoming a mother, finishing Ph.D. coursework and beginning my dissertation, and looking for a university that I want to work with and hang my hat as my educational home.

The last is the most cutting aching want for me because the place I have hoped to work has an opening this year for which I've applied.  My colleagues there are kind (I already know them), smart, and have a deep commitment to God.  I find that kind of shared faith inspiring and welcoming rather than stifling and limiting - a rare gem in a faith based school.

As the year ends, it is usually a time for refection on what we have and future goals.  Sometimes knowing the goals does not soothe, but at least you know if you're going in the right direction.  This year, I'm going to know what I want AND be willing to give some of the not knowing anxiety to God (or Godess, or whatever you name the universal force).  I've been working hard and I need to relent a bit.  How about you?

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin

Ask for Help

There are days that I magically believe that I can do it all.  Now, some days, I actually do get done everything on my long "to do" list, but not always.  Juggling a wellness studio, a full-time teaching load (at 2 colleges), an almost 2 year-old, authoring/creating my dissertation to complete my Ph.D., and my loving relationship with my husband can be more than tricky, it can be impossible.

This week I learned a valuable lesson...again.  I need to ask for help.  When my second draft of a chapter of my dissertation was returned to me with the encouragement to build a stronger structure, I almost fell over.  See, this paper is HUGE.  At present, it's 40 pages with 15 pages of citations.  I know this will change and grow (or shrink), but going back to the basics and creating a reverse outline just about ended me and my sunny disposition.

Until I reached out to friends for ideas.  Of course, I have smart and helpful friends.  One such friend suggested a dissertation writing support resource.  (Enter choirs of angels singing here!)  I contacted them and am on my way to getting the help I need to make this dissertation a better version of my thoughts.

Asking for help can be hard.  Sometimes I feel like I SHOULD be good at something.  I am good at many things.  And sometimes I need help.  Thank God for friends and limitations.  Both help me grow in ways I never expected!

Slogging Along?

There are days when I just want to turn around and go back to bed!  I love this image to the right; I think it captures what I'm talking about.

I'm lucky in that I have a great husband who knows me well enough to point out the areas of my life that might be contributing to this feeling.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: naming things can be powerful medicine!  I'm not depressed, I'm scared shitless!  I'm about to embark on a directorial juggernaut that few even attempt: Greek Tragedy.

Well, here goes nothing!  Tonight begin auditions and I'm up for it.  I have several challenges ahead of me, but isn't that part of the fun?  Figuring out how to make something work when I don't have all the answers?  Boy, life is rich.

Jumping in with both feet!  EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin

To Lie... Really?

So many people tell me they think acting is about lying and pretending to be something you're not.  In truth, I believe acting is the process of unearthing the elements in yourself that echo in the character you're playing.  I think we're all capable of many things that we may not need to apply to our everyday lives.  For example, I may never have to sweep the love of my life off of his feet.  However, I am capable of that.  Conversely, I may never have to kill someone (I hope).  Am I capable of both of these things?  Youbetcha!

Acting is about telling the truth from the point of view of the character.  If I play Hitler, I have to believe that I'm helping all of these people by either annihilating them or recruiting them.  If I take the point of view of an audience member who has a deep moral hatred toward this idea, I can't play Hitler or any other person/character with whom I have an objection.

Keeping in mind that acting is "living truthfully under imaginary circumstances," I want to make big choices to provoke an audience to THINK - during and after my performance.  If I don't play controversial characters, I don't have the ability to make people think.  Even more interesting is if the audience LIKES an otherwise detestable character.  Choices the character makes may be objectionable while the audience still roots for the character.  That's some great theatre!  And aren't we all complex?  Can we be relegated to cut and dry answers when most morality is ambiguous?

When deciding on the roles you choose in life or on stage, lead with your humanity.  By exploring the character of yourself and the role you're playing, you'll be able to understand yourself better while making big choices for the character.  Be BOLD!!!

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin

Resting

You know, in the 1980's, "Relax" was a really over-used word.  I know there was a song about it that was a hit then...  I've never really liked the word "relax" as an order.

In contrast, I love the word "rest."  The sound of it conjures someone taking care of me with fuzzy blankets and yummy soup.

Today... take some time to rest.  Maybe someone will even bring you a fuzzy blanket or some soup!

Trim Your Life

You know, every now and then, it's time to look at your life and evaluate what's working and what's not.  Today I was trimming my hedges (which are wild and huge!) and I was thinking about the difference between trimming them for health and growth versus aesthetics/geometrical shapes.  I'm a naturalist, so I like a little wild and big for my hedges...but am I like that for my life?

So I started to wonder about what I trim in my life.  As a person with hyphenate careers (Rolfer/Actress/educator/student/wife & mom), I have prioritized things in my life to insure I can accomplish what I'm set out to accomplish.  After all, why set myself up for failure?  So, I've trimmed acting down to a minimum (only shooting a movie of late), limited my teaching, and focused on my wellness studio and my Ph.D. completion.  Thank the sweet baby Jesus that my Ph.D. coursework should be complete August 8~!  The answer to my question above is: Yes.  I do like to live large!

When living large, how do you figure out what to focus on and what to let slide in your life?  Something I'm always reminding myself is just because I'm focusing on another part of my life doesn't mean I'm not going to return to other parts when I'm able.  There's a time and place for everything.  The truth is, every time I enjoy growth in one part of my life, the other parts flourish as well!

Happy Trimming!

Copyright 2012 Heather Corwin