You know, I used to wear black every Valentine's day because I had so many awful disappointments on this supposed day of love that I not only gave up on this celebration, I boycotted it. Thankfully, I now have some great memories associated with February 14, so I don't wear black anymore.
One great learning for me for this day of love is to share with the loves of my life the memories of love they have gifted me through the year. I have some photo collages that I frame of my little girl to commemorate her growth (and cuteness). Plus, my husband and I still have many images up from our wedding - what a day full of love and laughter that was!!!
If you're dreading the hooplah that's pushed a little too hard by our culture tomorrow, remember this day might be best enjoyed focusing on what YOU want to when it comes to love and who means the most to you!
Last night my husband and I went on a date to the Melting Pot in Pasadena. We haven't been able to have many dates since the arrival of our daughter for the simple fact that she wakes up at 6am and so do I (during the week, my husband gets up on the weekends). That translates to an early bedtime for me because I like sleeping and being rested. Sadly, that also means that going out at night means I turn into a pumpkin at 9pm or so.
However, last night, caution was thrown to the wind! As a thoughtful and terrific Christmas present, Doug's sister not only gave us the funds to have a night on the town, the offer came with babysitting!!! So after a fun afternoon of playing a board game together with my sister-in-law and her honey, my husband and I fed the little one, loved her up, and tucked her in for a restful evening. Then ... we hit the town!
We had reservations in "lovers lane." This meant we had a cozy booth where other patrons did not have a view of us, nor did we have a view of others. The privacy was dreamy. We enjoyed the classic fondue menu and relished the time to reconnect. My husband is a great guy who is fun to be around. That's why I married him!
This semester (I'm a Ph.D. student as well as a professor), my husband and I have dedicated one night a week to date night. We're planning on having a babysitter (who primarily watches TV and calls if anything suspicious happens) one night a week so we can have a date. I'm thinking we'll sometimes go out to eat, but more likely is us going to a great bookstore or walking around old town Pasadena. Dates don't have to be an expensive dinner to be terrific. Just having the time to laugh with and enjoy my man does the trick for me!
So I'm now recovering from sleep deprivation that clouded my life the first three months of my being a parent. My little girl is here, sharing my home, now her home, and at last I can almost function normally (whatever that means). And now that I'm a parent, I can't help but think of my own parents and how they raised me. Plus, I'm a twin and was unexpectedly so, and I can't imagine having two little ones at the same time.
So what does it take to be a good parent? According to Bowlby, the pioneer of parenting Attachment theory, parents only have to be great 30% of the time. What that means is I have to try to understand her needs and meet them. I'm certainly going to get that wrong. When I do get it wrong, I need to repair the damage I do by adjusting my behavior to meet her needs at least 30% of the time. This will be enough for my baby girl to feel like she is loved, taken care of, and will give her the courage to successfully find her way into the world as she needs it to be. That's freaking cool.
No matter if I liked my parents most of the time or not, they created me, took care of me to the best of their ability, and loved me...still do! What I do know about parenting is
it's not for everyone
it's harder than I could have imagined because I want to get it right
my parents had it tougher than I did because I'm a twin and was born the "middle" child
I'm going to screw my kid up - but I'll be there for her when I do!
My mom is no longer living so I can't ask her for advice even if I wanted to. I feel blessed to have a wonderful family and in-laws who are loving and generous - thank God!!! I couldn't make it through this time without them. I have a day coming up to acknowledge their love and support.
Mother's day is May 8. Whether or not you see eye to eye with your mom, she surely made it possible for you to be living. You may want to send her some love this Mother's day!
There are so many types of love! That's the great news about life. We can love our family, our friends, our animals, our careers and more. Valentine's Day can sometimes push many buttons when it comes to love because it tends to force us to focus on ideal romantic love. While romance is a fun element to enjoy in life, it is not the end all be all of living.
If you are one of the people who like to wear black on this day, I encourage you to focus on the other parts of love in your life that make you smile. You don't have to get anyone roses, chocolates, or take them out to dinner! You can just send them a little email or call to leave an "I love you" message. That could help make their day as well.
Today, I dedicate to my 2 month old daughter (today!) She is sleeping on my chest as I write this, snoring - wrapped in a pink blanket. I'm beginning to understand a new way to love through my relationship with her. In this relationship, I'm learning to negotiate needs, wants, and re-prioritize.
If you're having a glum day, remember that love is all around us. No one can tell you what that means, how you should act about it, and how to relegate love. Embrace your passions!! You are enough.
