Days My Heart Hurts

Today I woke up knowing I was going to be able to have a little time to myself to read and watch THE HELP.  I'm a SAG member and I was delighted to receive a screener for it.  Watching THE HELP, I started to think about my life and the mean people who have tried to scar me in my life.  People who have bullied me or tried to take advantage of me.  Somehow in defining moments, I had the courage and strength to stand up for myself.

One such occasion was in 8th grade.  A girl named Jinx in one of my classes who had been held back, had a reputation for fighting and winning, and who was reputed to have a criminal record took to calling me "Duchess." She called me Duchess because I wore a pair of my mother's heeled clogs to school.  I LOVED those clogs.  They were my favorite shoes to try on when my feet were at least 4 sizes too small to fit the shoes.  When I wore those shoes, I knew I had become a woman.  And this bully was making fun of me for wearing them.

Red-faced, ashamed, and scared to death that she even noticed me, I let her call me Duchess that day and I didn't say anything, hoping her name-calling would blow over and go away.  That was not to be.  The next week, she thought it would be funny to start in on me again.    With every ounce of courage I owned, I asked her to please not call me that.  The girl stood up, all 200 or so mean pounds of her, looked me up and down, and said... "okay."  Blotchy-faced and sweating, I said "thank you."  She laughed at me and sat down.  She never bothered me again.

When I think of all the people who don't have the courage to stand up for themselves or who can't, it makes my heart hurt.  If it's the last thing I do, I want my daughter to know she deserves to be treated well and should not tolerate anyone to treat her otherwise.

I am scared to the core of my soul.  For the first time in my life, I understand what might compel me to become violent toward another human being...if someone hurt my little girl maliciously and knowingly.  I pray that day never comes.  If it does, I hope to God I can have compassion and give my little girl all the love I have in my heart.  Thank God I have a loving husband who stands with me in this world to raise our little love. You see, I prefer my heart to sing, not to hurt.