My patient husband and I walked to church. Walking helped dissipate some of the unease in my stomach. I was bracing for the waves of guilt that would be inflicted upon me by others - they would magically see I had not been to church in a LONG time. (I have an active imagination that does not always serve me kindly). People were welcoming; it was a small congregation. I just didn't feel at home. But I never feel at home in a church presently. I'm working on that.
You see, I'm aware that though I yearn for spiritual support and community, I have deep rooted animosity toward organized religion. My family has wielded religion (loosely veiled judgment) against me in the past, friends have used it as a shield of morality when attacking others unlike them, and I have used it against myself to prove to myself how unworthy I am to call myself a good person. Now, these are rare circumstances, but they leave a bad taste in my mouth.
As I ready myself to host friends on this celebrated and holy day of hope and rebirth, I am looking at what is important to me in this day. I can choose to work through the challenges that will be with me forever (and give myself a break), or I can run from the areas of my life that challenge me. No coward here, I face the fear. With my friends and family, who are all imperfect like me, we can weather the storms with love and compassion. Happy Easter!
Copyright 2010 Heather Corwin
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